California Screamin'

Why anyone would want to live in California is beyond me.

And I know a few of them who do, personally.

But I don't know why they live there, necessarily. Just that they do.

There are wildfires raging in California right now, as we (sorta) speak.

There's always something raging in California. Or sliding. Or choking off the air flow. Or trembling.

Living in California, with its endless array of wildfires, brush fires, smog, mudslides and earthquakes must be akin to residing in one huge, twisted amusement park. Or an Irwin Allen disaster movie.

Not to mention all the weirdos in the movie industry walking around.

I'm all for experiencing nature, but I prefer to do it in my native Michigan, which admittedly has lost some of its luster, too, lately.

We used to have four seasons here--and they were very dilineated. And beautiful, in their own way.

Now we have four seasons--sometimes in the same day.

Lately I've noticed a phenomenon by which it's sunny, yet raining. Been happening more and more over recent years.

The seasons are beginning to fuse together, like a box of crayons left out in the sun.

Fall, one of my favorites, lasts about a week, maybe ten days. Preceding it is summer's last blast of heat; following it is bone-chilling dampness.


Just one of the many perils that await you on the left coast


Only for a week or so can you enjoy crisp temps and sunny skies and the leaves turning colors.

Winter does its impersonation of spring sometime in mid-February or early-March, getting us all horny for warmer weather and baseball. Then it says "psych!!" and goes back to North Pole-like conditions.

So Michigan isn't all that it was cracked up to be anymore. I admit it.

But better that than encountering life-altering, cataclysmic events constantly.

Heck, we don't even have tornadoes in Michigan anymore. Remember those?

But in California, it's...

EARTHQUAKE!!

MUDSLIDE!!

BRUSH FIRES!!

SMOG!!

HOLLYWOOD!!

No, I've never been there. Haven't been west of St. Louis, truth be told. And I have a beef with that, too.

Tip: don't go to St. Louis in early August, for the weather is like Vietnam.

I still haven't forgiven my friend Mike Lank for getting married on a Friday in St. Louis, in August, before the sun went down. In a church sans air conditioning. And making me wear a tuxedo.

But Mike's been married going on 22 years now, so at least there's that.

So no, I've never been to California. I'm as close to it right now, living in Michigan, as I ever care to be.

Unless someone offers me a job out there.

Every man has his price, after all.

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